How Long Does It Take To Feel Truly Confident With Women?
On a recent coaching call, one of my clients asked me this question.
I knew exactly what he meant.
Years ago when I was desperately seeking relief from the awkwardness I felt around women, I would have asked the exact same question, only I would have been shaking my coach back and forth by the collar as I demanded an answer.
If you’re anything like me (and I’m like most guys) then you know how much it can hurt to desperately want something that feels impossible to attain.
I was a starving monkey desperate for a bunch of bananas that were behind a glass wall. I couldn’t take my eyes off them and yet I couldn’t get them. It just seemed cruel and unfair. And the hungrier I got the more I wanted them. And the more I wanted them the less mental/emotional resources I had to figure out how to get them. And then I started to get angry at those beautiful bananas for sitting right there in front of me, reminding me how hungry I was for them.
Ok, so now just replace bananas with women & monkey with you and you get the picture.
If you’re ready to be done with the frustrated, starving monkey thing then read on…
What I’m talking about here is that there is a way to have the fruits of your desire. In a few moments I’ll explain how you can learn to relax and get out of your head so you can think clearly and have access to your creativity. From there you’ll start to see all kinds of things you never paid attention to before… y’know, like that little latch you never noticed that opens the glass and gets you the bananas.
Listen, just to push this whole primate analogy one step further, I don’t think you want to be the kind of monkey who has to work to get bananas. I think you want to be the kind of monkey that just lives a banana rich life. You want banana’s just falling off the trees into your hands. You want to be surrounded by juicy ripe bananas all the time and have your choice of exactly which one you want. You want to be like those rare monkeys you see every now and then who just seem to have it all figured out and live in total banana land abundance.
It shouldn’t have to take work.
If it does feels like work… you’re doing it wrong.
So HOW do you do it right?
You Learn To Ride The Wobble
The truth of the matter is that as a man, your journey to have the kind of relationships with women that has you feel on top of the world is one of the most momentous paths you’ll ever travel.
It’s like going on your own little Lord of The Rings adventure. So instead of trying to explain how to navigate all your future relationships with the women you desire… let’s look at a micro-version of the same thing.
Take a moment to recall a time where you had to learn balance. Y’know, like riding a bike, snowboarding, skiing, skating, surfing, etc.
You may remember those awkward off-balance moments where you felt like you were falling. There was likely a subtle (or not-so-subtle) momentary sensation of panic as you moved to re-adjust your balance so you didn’t face-plant, again.
I call it “The Wobble.”
However, as you progressed you became more comfortable with the intricacies of balance. At some point you might have been able to hop onto a pair of skis, skates, rollerblades, snowboard or surfboard and do things that you never could have done before.
Without consciously knowing it,
you learned that once you could create balance
you could create art.
The more you relaxed into “The Wobble” the smaller and smaller the Wobble became and your movements became more and more fine-tuned. Olympic athletes have focused massive amounts of attention on that “Wobble” which is what has allowed them to have the most finely tuned sense of balance in the word. The finer detail you get to know “The Wobble” the more fine tuned control and mastery you have over it.
And this doesn’t just apply to sports, it applies to anything you want to master… including relationships with women.
Believe it or not, it’s in the moments you feel most “off-balance” that are the most important moments. Those are the moments from which everything is learned because they are the moments that help you to CREATE BALANCE.
Ironically, the only way for us to know when we are “in-balance” is by first being “out-of-balance” and re-adjusting back to that place of “Ah, yes. That feels better.”
It’s easy when we’re learning to ride a bike because we can put it down, go home for dinner and come back the next day. It doesn’t feel like the end of the world and it only takes so long to learn it.
However, when it comes to your relationships… take that feeling of “The Wobble” and extend it from hours – like the process of learning to ride a bike- to years -like the process of learning to be your full authentic self while pursuing the women you truly desire. (Keep in mind that it does take about 18 years just to grown one of us humans to “maturity”.)
The reason this is challenging
is because we are learning the intricacies
of a complex system
that is INTERNAL
HOWEVER, the same rules apply. Find your balance and you can do anything.
This is why learning to be truly confident with women is the most momentous journey you will ever take. Just as you simply cannot fake being good at skiing, surfing, snowboarding or ice-skating you also can’t fake being authentically confident with women.
When you learn balance in your relationships you can create art out of your life in a way that very few men know is possible and once you can do that you can have as many bananas as you want.
Start simply by giving new reverence to “The Wobble”. It is what gives you access to everything. Most men are afraid of “The Wobble” because they are afraid of feeling out of control. The irony is that when you start to let go to it you begin to have more and more control.
So what do you do? First, understand that you are learning to ride a new form of bike (or snowboard, or skates, or surfboard, or unicycle, however you want to label it). Every time you interact with a woman pay attention to “The Wobble”. Get to know it the way a wine aficionado can take a sip of wine and instantly break down its unique, intricate and various subtleties.
You get to know it by simply paying attention each and every time you experience it.
Next time you interact with a woman consider that you are not only interacting with her, you are also interacting with The Wobble. The more you get to know it, the more everything will come into focus/balance.
This is subtle but powerful stuff. “The Wobble” is your best friend. It is the very thing that helps you find balance. It is the opening to the cave that leads you to the center of the earth. It is your X-man super power. It is the catalyst for your evolution as a solid man that women are crazy about… as long as you don’t run from it.
Bit by bit simply push into it a little more. Relax into it just as you did when you were learning to ride a bike or ski or surf or skate or whatever it was that required the practice of balance.
So “How long does it take to feel truly confident with women?” It’s the same answer to the question, “How long does it take to become a true connoisseur of wine?” It all depends on how much attention you are willing to put on discovering the sensations and flavors of the full experience.
And when it all comes down to it, the sooner you hop on The Wobble Train the sooner you arrive in Banana Land.