At some point in the last decade it just became abundantly clear to me that everything in life is Relationship.
And the common denominator in the success or failure of everything we are in relationship with in our lives… is ourselves.
I started to realize that if I ever wanted the kind of life that was rich and fulfilling on every level I was going to have to learn how to master this stuff.
Conversations are the direct “interface” of relationships so if you can learn to have amazing conversations then everything else is connected and will follow. Kinda like Broadway, “If you can make it there, you can make it you can make it…” (you know the rest).
So I’m going to share with you some golden nuggets from my ebook, “Conversation Impact.”
A lot of people move through their conversations like drunken drivers missing stop signs, ignoring other drivers, crashing through barriers, getting lost or going in the wrong direction.
Most of us get some basic rules of the road from drivers Ed, but when it comes to interacting and connecting with others we’re pretty much just thrown onto the road and have to figure it out at high speed.
Some of us figure it out, some learn enough to do mediocre and a few become Mario Andretti, but most are just barely getting by. And then when other drivers honk at us, give us the finger or yell at us we’re left feeling like we don’t have a license to drive, travel, explore, connect and play in the world.
That’s unfortunate because, in case you haven’t noticed, there are some people out there that flow beautifully down the highway of conversation. While many people are careening about as if everyone in their life is a bumper car, others look like magicians riding in convertible sports cars on a warm sunny day, gracefully dancing from lane to lane, off the exits, into the country and out into the world (so lets get you there).
They make people laugh, people are instantly enamored by them, they can turn conflict into deeper, more fulfilling connections. They are insightful and positive. Conversations with them feel exciting, uplifting, rewarding, sexy and profound. In other words these people make use of their license to play big and it shows.
If you don’t feel as much license, as you’d like in your conversations, know this… it’s not your fault. The majority of us grew up with parents, friends, teachers and role models who didn’t have a clue how to communicate because they grew up with parents, teachers and role models who knew even less than they did, and they grew up with parents who knew even less than them, etc, etc.
So what does this have to do with conversations? It’s simple really. Our ability to express, explore, inquire, play, connect, resolve and share in conversation directly impacts the quality of our relationships.
A good conversation is sex.
Language is the basis of reality. If you change the language you change the reality. If you imagine that the language between two people is like a dance (takes two to tango) then also imagine that dancing with language allows you to dance with reality.
Good conversation is the foreplay to foreplay.
The mind is considered the largest sex organ in the body and many, many women love men who can engage their imagination, their spirit, their emotions, their heart and their turn-on in conversation. Once you’ve got that the places you can go from there are limitless.
The ultimate get to know you question:
So here is a question that I created that is an amazing way of connecting deeper with someone. This isn’t just for women, use this to get to know people in your life.
Simply ask: “When you were a little girl what was one thing you did that either you, your family or childhood friends would look back on and say “That was such a “her name” thing to do?”
When she shares this with you understand that what she is sharing is her essence. It’s who she came into the world as. What you will find is that even though our tastes, style, opinions, perspectives and views of the world have changed we still have the same “essence” from when we were a kid. This is a very quick and fun way to get to know someone really deeply.
So for example: I asked my friend Joanne this question and she told me a story of how when she was a little girl she saw people living in boxes on the street. She asked her parents about it and they explained what it meant to be homeless. She wanted to know what it was like and so she insisted on living in a box in the backyard of the house for a week. What does that tell me about her? It tells me that she has a strong spirit, a curiosity and a desire to know other peoples experiences. I then asked her how this showed up in her life today and it flowed into a beautiful conversation about her interests and her passions as I followed my curiosity with her. It was a beautiful conversation.
You could (and should) do this with anyone in your life.
Here is a list of follow up questions. It would be a BIG mistake to simply go through this list as if it were an interview. For each and every question you ask, listen carefully to the answer. Let your natural curiosity lead you to your own follow up questions or statements, stories, thoughts, etc. Share your own experiences in return and notice how each question can open up an entire world of deep, intriguing conversation and exploration.
- Do you remember any dreams you had from when you were a child?
- Have you ever had any mystical experiences?
- Who was your childhood hero?
- What was one adventure you and a best friend had growing up?
- Was there something you believed growing up that you later realized was totally made up?
- Did you ever have an experience of being saved by pure divinity?
- Was there ever a moment where your life changed in an instant in a positive way?
- When you were a kid did you have a dream about what you wanted to do/be in the world?
- Were there any particular moments for you that you remember as total highlights from your childhood?
- Did you have a favorite place growing up?
- What’s something you’re looking forward to in your life, this week? This month? This year?
- Do you remember your first kiss?
- What’s one thing that you like about me?
You can also use these at natural transition points in the conversation where they seem applicable or somewhat related to what you are talking about.
There is a LOT more to having great conversations than just this but these questions give you something that can have a huge impact on the quality of an interaction with someone you want to create a deeper connection with.
Let the foreplay begin,