I was visiting a childhood buddy of mine named Fred when I was back home in Boston recently.
Great guy. Huge heart. You could run over his cat and he’d still be your bud. He’s that kind of a guy. I use Fred as an example here because while he’s a grown man, he’s a great illustration of a particular masculine adolescent pattern that kills attraction with women.
I was meeting with Fred and a few other old friends for dinner at a restaurant/bar. At some point Fred transitioned into a conversation with a woman who was right beside us, who was clearly a vibrant, intelligent, self-aware, woman. She was a rare breed of beautiful, intelligent, sexy, high self-esteem and as you’d expect she also knew what she was worth.
I’m going to tell you exactly what happened but before I do, you need to know this first.
Our words are more powerful than most of us are prepared to accept.
In fact, without even realizing it we put a lot of energy into dumbing down our words for that reason.
We unconsciously take the charge out of our words because we have a deep unconscious fear about the impact they might have. If we used them for what they were really capable of we would have to take responsibility for them.
So without realizing it we spend our lives driving with the parking brake on, never truly saying exactly what we really mean or really want to say for fear that the car will go too fast and get out of control. We just don’t notice this because the parking brake has been on for so long that it just seems “normal”.
In his moment to close the conversation with this stunning being, what dear poor Fred ended up saying was, “Yeah, so ummm, I think it would be kinda cool to see you sometime and get together and, like… do something… y’know?”
I could instantly see her eyes glaze over and her interest in him immediately fade. She could see that he was afraid to really “own” his words.
What he really wanted to say AND what she really wanted to hear was simply:
“I’d like to see you.” Delivered clearly and solidly without the slightest quiver.
Why? Because she knows that a man who can own his words like that can own everything else in his life the same way. She knows he’s directed. She knows he’s clear. She knows he’s not afraid to say what he wants, ask for what he wants, take what he wants. She also knows he’s confident and focused in the sack.
Simple. Solid. Self Assured.
A woman like this one is scanning the world for that rare breed of man who can match her level of potency. And much to the disappointment of these women, they find very few contenders.
You can do this.
And it’s impressive as fuck when you do.
It doesn’t matter if you’re 18 or 88 years old. High quality women feel the spirit inside of you and will often feel more attracted to that than your looks, simply because while acting on attraction IS a choice, attraction itself is not a choice. (But more on that in another article).
Think of a friend of yours, the one who tells you his evening plans and it sounds like this:
“Yeah, so anyway I was maybe thinking of reading this book I’ve been wanting to read but maybe I’ll go out because a friend of mine is doing this thing that seems pretty cool. I dunno, I gotta give him a call I guess and see. Anyway, y’know…”
The way you pay attention to a woman, talk to her and especially the way you express yourself, all gives her a sense of who you are, and how you would be with her in the most intimate of settings. It’s like Broadway, in reverse. If you can’t make it there, you can’t make it anywhere… in her life. Women instantly feel whether they are attracted to you or not based on how you own your words.
Based on this example, here’s a slightly exaggerated version of how a woman might imagine this guy in bed, “Ummm yeah, maybe we could do it doggie style but oh wait there was this other position that I heard a friend of mine saying was pretty fun. Maybe it was missionary, no wait. I think it was something else. Maybe you could flip over or something…”
You get the picture. Very Not Sexy.
This is what I call “Fuzzifying”. When you’re unconsciously adding in all kinds of “Umms,” “Ahhhs,” “Kinda’s” “Sortas”, etc.
Most guys aren’t even aware that they’re speaking in such an unclear way and it usually takes someone else to point it out. However, I assert that 95% of ALL guys do this to some degree (so there’s a 95% chance that this is you too).
What’s the impact of being so vague?
Well, she can’t help but think you’re WISHY-WASHY and lack CONVICTION about what you REALLY want to say.
Because when you Fuzzify your language, what you’re actually doing is playing it safe and taking the edge off your words so that you can’t be as easily rejected. Think about it.
Ironically, you’re going to get rejected anyway, since Fuzzifying is a Mortal Blow for attraction and connection.
Fuzzy is unfocused, cloudy, vague, thick, heavy, tiring and boring.
Attractive is clear, direct, honest, intentional and meaningful.
How To Stop Fuzzifying
Most of us have been fuzzifying our words for years. The first step is awareness: start catching yourself “in the act”.
NO: Yeah, ummm, I think it would be kinda cool to see you sometime and get together and, like do something, y’know?
YES: I’d like to see you again.
Practice removing words from your speaking that are fillers, like “Umm,” “Like,” “Kinda,” “Sorta.”
Say what you mean.
This will feel risky at first, like you’re exposing yourself by taking a stand for what you REALLY mean. If it does feel intimidating at first, then it’s a sign that you’re on the right track. When you can start to evolve into this so that it becomes comfortable and normal you will be playing at whole other level that most guys can’t even touch and there are a lot of women looking for that man.
Evolutionary men who can talk clearly and directly stand far above the rest of the pack.
In the meantime, keep noticing your patterns of fuzzifying words. You’ll be amazed at how much more powerful and attractive you are to women when you learn to use your language to say exactly what you mean.