It’s not often that I go out on a first date and end up almost getting punched in the head.
When I told this story to my friends they almost fell out of their chairs laughing.
I was giving a speech Texas and I met this hot little motorcycle-riding cutie. We decided to go on a date.
So, here we are at a Jazz bar on our first date, having appetizers while we enjoy some live music. She’s gushing with enjoyment as the two of us talk, laugh and connect.
Everything is going great.
There’s one last little piece of bread on a plate with some olive oil. She looks at it, looks at me and quickly snatches it in an amusing “cartoonish” way.
I thought it was pretty funny and cute so I felt inspired to call out the appropriate sound effect:
Her eyes suddenly pop wide open. First a look of shock, then deep anger crosses her face.
“What did you just say to me?!”
I was puzzled.
Not sure what had just happened, I paused for a moment. Now here is where it gets really interesting.
I was definitely a bit caught off guard. Not so much by her words but by the fact that I could feel an instant shift in her. I’m rarely a poor judge of character but at this point I had to admit that I barely know her and I’m suddenly asking myself, ‘Is this woman unstable?'”
Her face is now flush red as her thumping heart sends blood rushing through her body. Her eyes are zoning in on me like some laser guided terminator missile. She’s not letting up.
Again, louder, angrier, she says, “WHAT Did You Just Say To Me?!?!”
I’m not answering her right away. Instead of acting all sorry (this is called collapsing) or acting like she’s the one with the problem (this is called posturing), I’m staying relatively open, calm and present with her even though I still have no freakin’ clue what’s going on. And it’s definitely getting edgy because people are starting to notice.
Now she’s FURIOUS, venomous. “WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?!!?!?”
Keep in mind that this is all happening in a space of about eight seconds but it feels like an hour. At this exact moment I’m having a vision of some thundering-feminine-demon-goddess rising up like something I might see in an animated Disney movie.
People are starting to stop their conversations and turn toward the table. A hush comes over the bar area.
Aware of all the eyes on me and still unclear about what this Jekyll & Hyde switch is all about, I take a deep breath, center myself, make solid eye contact with her, and slowly reply:
“I said……. ‘Yoink.’
The anger in her eyes immediately relaxes. The redness in her face starts to fade and she subsides back into this pretty little thing from Texas. A huge, warm smile spreads across her face.
“Ohhhhh!!!” She said, “When I took the last piece of bread I thought you said ‘Oink’!”
At this point, we both laughed for about twenty minutes straight, and then went on to have an amazing remainder of our date.
The moral of the story is, don’t break bread with women. The carbs spike their blood sugar and make them crazy, and….
Actually, the moral of the story is that maintaining emotional composure through a woman’s intensity can actually be a real gift for both you and her.
In fact, afterwards she marveled at how composed I had remained throughout the interaction: “Sorry about that. Wow, most guys totally freak out when I get intense with them. You just stayed right with me!”
I later learned that the when she was younger she had been overweight and people had made fun of her for many years before she really got into shape.
The “oink” miscommunication had triggered a really old and tender wound in her.
Because I knew how to be with a woman who was triggered (even without knowing what the trigger was), we ended up having a beautiful night together. She felt a deep trust for me after I demonstrated an ability to be with whatever she threw my way.
And even though that was years ago now, her and I are still good friends and she even reaches out to me for relationship advice.
If you’d like to have more ability to create profound, rewarding connections with women, even in the face of their emotional intensity, then you’ll want to understand the power of composure. This doesn’t mean NOT feeling. It actually means feeling everything and learning how to be with the emotional intensity so that you can think and act clearly and make choices that create more attraction instead of less.
You can easily begin to practice this by noticing when you are having an intense feeling, emotion or sensation. Instead of pushing it away welcome it. Imagine that your feelings are parts of yourself and if you push them away you feel them even more. If you push away anger, you feel angry. If you push away loneliness, you feel lonely. If you push away frustration, you feel frustrated. What we resist persists.
However, by fully welcoming these feelings it may feel intense at first but as long as you welcome them fully you will acclimate to them and you won’t feel the resistance to them anymore which allows you to feel composure… and then you’re free.
It’s not your fault. Nobody taught you this. That’s why emotional intelligence at this level is so rare and so precious and so freakin’ attractive to women.
Yeah, this is no joke. This is for men who are ready to evolve, big time. If you’re done being owned by your feelings and ready for freedom this is the first step on the path.
In service of your freedom,