Sometimes powerful moments of connection and bold conversation means knowing when NOT to speak.
I want to share with you about how talking at the wrong time can sometimes not just kill the moment, but kill the connection.
I was hiking up to Twin Peaks to catch the morning sunrise over San Francisco one morning with a girlfriend. It was about a twenty-minute hike up to the highest point in the city from where I live. As we’re descending, she turns to me and says, “I just realized that I really want you to be proud of me.”
I kept walking down the trail and respond by saying:
Me: “Wow, that makes a lot of sense because I was just thinking of this thing I recently heard… (etc, etc, blah, blah, blah).
As I’m expounding my thoughts on relationship and connection and (…forgive me) presence, I can feel the beautiful intention behind her words fading away.
Ever trample something delicate, like flowers and then not even realize it till you looked back at what you’d done? It was at that moment that I realized how I’d steamrolled over something precious. Ooooops.
I should have kept my pie-hole shut…
But what might that have looked like if I had actually been really aware in the moment?
Take 2: So my girlfriend turns to me and says, “I just realized that I really want you to be proud of me.”
I take a moment to let her words land. Meaning, I stay present with her and at the same time I become deeply aware of the sensations that run through my body. I let those sensations turn into words and that’s the place from which I speak, if at all.
Sometimes just feeling those sensations in your body is enough to let her know that you’ve been impacted by what she expressed. That’s what women want. They want to know that you are being impacted by them.
Think of how powerful this would be if you had just met someone. This is where a woman say things like, “Wow, I can feel that you really get me.” Notice the word feel. Not hear. Not see. But feel.
It’s because when she gets that what you are feeling is a match to what she’s expressing… the connection increases ten fold.
I’ve learned that when I let it happen this way, the words can become very simple and yet still carry tremendous power. From this place, something as simple as “Thank you,” can land with a weight of an anvil.
This is subtle stuff and remember, women are like tuning forks meaning that they can intuitively feel if they are being “received” by men. If you want to be masterful with women, then you need to be able to track the subtleties.
There is no way around it and you can’t fake it.
Without even realizing it, women often subconsciously track the flow of the words from their lips into our heads, down into our bodies and then what it feels like coming back to them. They can feel the way something opens us, closes us, or simply bounces off us when we lose presence (like yours truly).
Next time you’re with a woman try this process out.
Do not speak until you feel that her words have “landed” in your body.
Without resisting, fully feel the sensations that come up in your body.
Make eye contact and consider whether you even need to speak at all…
Feel if the sensations turn into words… and then speak them slowly.
If you do this right, you’re going to blow her mind.
Stick some of that in your Pie Hole,