Ever notice how most people tend to run from uncomfortable moments, especially in relationships?
If you can’t get this one worked out it’s going to cost you potentially years of happiness. But if you can get that this is probably the bravest, sexiest thing you can do then it’s going to help pave the way towards the kind of truly fulfilling relationship you want.
The truth is that there are always going to be moments that are painful, uncomfortable or awkward. It’s just the nature of being human. However, in our (my/your) effort to avoid feeling any form of emotional turmoil, confusion and upset we unintentionally create even more of it for ourselves.
I want to share with you a perspective shift that came to me a several years ago that really started to turn it around for me.
I was in a relationship that was beautiful and fun and light and playful. It was great on all accounts… except for when things would get confronting or challenging. Then she would disappear for days at a time. It drove me crazy.
I could point a finger at her but in my own ways I would run away as well by trying to be obstinately right, not considering her perspective or trying to get her to change.
One day, during one of her disappearances I was driving by a fruit market and had an epiphany. I swerved my car over to the side of the road and ran inside. I needed to know something about how nature worked.
I had a question about peaches.
I entered the store, found a peach, walked over the first person I saw wearing a green apron and demanded an explanation. “Listen, most people like peaches because they enjoy the juicy, sweet, refreshing exterior and then when they come to the pit they simply throw it away. But doesn’t nature have a different perspective? Isn’t the pit worth a whole lot more to nature than it does to our own enjoyment?”
The clerk was a college-looking student with dreadlocks and a thin beard. He looked at me for a long moment, taken aback my question. Then he simply said, “The pit is the source of life, dude.”
“Yeah,” I said. “That’s kinda what I thought.”
So check it out. We all enjoy the juicy, crunchy, sweet, refreshing, moist, delicious exterior of fruit and then when we finally come to the pit we throw it away.
The majority of the time we see it as worthless. That’s why you hear sayings like, “Oh man, this is the pits.”
In relationships we all enjoy the fun, light, playful, juicy exterior of knowing someone. And then when we come to a breakdown (the pit) and we want to throw it away. The majority of the time we see “the pit” of relationship as a waste of our time, not what we want, not fun anymore.
But I believe we’re missing the point.
Just as the pit is the source of life for the fruit, breakdowns are the source of life for the relationship. Not just your relationship with her… but your relationship with everything and everyone, including yourself.
If we run from the breakdowns (the pit) we simply stay on the surface where we can only have light fun experiences. When we allow ourselves to really experience the breakdowns (the pit) we start to see the core of who we really are. This can feel scary and vulnerable and yet only by embracing the source of life can we continue to grow. More often than not it is in the breakdown (the pit) that we find access to more life.
There is an intelligence in nature. Fruit is designed to be sweet and tasty because it attracts animals who eat them and carry them far from the tree and either drop them or poop them out and the seeds or pits go into the ground and grow new trees. This is natures doing. Nature is drawing us in so that we can help it to procreate.
Also, by nature we are drawn to relationships because of the sweetness we naturally crave to experience. But that is just what draws us in. Just as the fruit draws us in to forward it’s own procreation, relationships draw us in by their own sweetness so that we will come to the pit, experience breakdowns, discover ourselves and be forced to evolve… just as nature does. Crazy huh?
So the point behind all of this is that there is no use in resisting it. Breakdowns are designed to happen. They are meant to happen. So let them come, celebrate them, cherish them and let them be a source of life, not destruction.
So how do you do this? It’s simple. Just don’t resist it. Let yourself be in “the pits”. The less you resist it the quicker you get to the feeling of being alive.
For now just keep cherishing and nourishing the pit, it is the very thing that gives you more fruit.