One time after finishing up work for the day I decided to go somewhere nice for dinner.
There’s a beautiful restaurant in San Francisco called NOPA. Its one of those modern gourmet bistro’s in a large classy industrial type space with common tables and a huge, long bar that people eat at. Great burgers.
I decided that I wanted to go and eat and be amongst people. So I’m waiting at the bar for a stool to open up and a very natural conversation arises with a beautiful, vibrant woman standing beside me. I don’t even know how it started but what I do know is this….
I’m on a “No Woman Diet” and nothing is going to happen.
Once every few years when I realize that I want to shed a layer of neediness I decide that, “For the next six weeks, conversation is all I am available for with women. No dating. No kissin. No nuthin. No matter what.”
Why in the world would I do this to myself?
Because when I become attached to something happening with a woman it creates a “need” and that “neediness” kills connection and it also acts as an energy drain in my life. The way to free myself from neediness is to go through a process that results in the burning away of that attachment so that I feel more complete and whole in myself.
Think of it like a game. Imagine you get a letter in the mail that says, “Apologies for the late notice but we’ve decided that it is in your best interest to never feel the touch of a woman again for the rest of your life, effective immediately. Have a nice day – The Universe.”
If that ACTUALLY happened and you’ve now got the rest of your “womanless” life in front of you, it’s not going to be long before you either jump off a bridge or realize that you need to figure out how to enjoy the hell out of your life.
And… make no mistake, whatever feelings you’ve been avoiding around not having what you want with women are going to come up pretty fast. There may also be some grieving to do before you can come to terms with your life’s fate (psssst… which is only for 6 weeks).
The upside of all this is that a “No Woman Diet” is designed for you to finally start loving yourself. Once you’ve played the game fully and you’re on the other side, you are a much happier and more relaxed man who appreciates conversation and connection with women in ways that just never would have been possible before.
So, even before we start a conversation I’m already relaxed and just enjoying and appreciating her because I know there’s nothing for me to “get” here.
The conversation started with me asking her if she knew of another place with a lesser wait AND with all the elements I wanted. (Fancy but not overdone. Kinda gourmet. Nice long bar. Good burgers from natural farms. Nearby.) In truth it was a silly conversation but I was finding enjoyment in conversing with her.
Because I’m so relaxed in this conversation, my creativity is flowing naturally and we’re just having fun talking. Can you imagine this version of you? Is it a needy version?
I can think and speak more clearly because I’m totally unattached. This has me feel very present with her. As a result all kinds of fun, interesting details about her effortlessly come into my awareness to talk about. Bright green fingernails, tons of cool rings and bracelets, slightly burning man style/upscale, smart, funny, cute, super expressive face, playful.
And yet what’s different about this interaction is that there is nothing to gain or lose. I feel a whole new level of “freedom” to just be myself. Fully. Completely. The conversation becomes playful, fun, creative, expressive, deep… authentic.
After a few minutes a coveted spot at the bar opens up and so I say goodbye to grab it.
As this is happening I’m thinking to myself, “I could give her my card. That wouldn’t be breaking the NWD, would it? If she calls me then I’ll just explain everything and then we can get together after the NWD ends, right? Will it distract my process to know there is going to be a warm, beautiful woman waiting on the other side of this experience?”
Yeah, actually… it will.
I decide that I’m going to refrain and just see what happens when I say goodbye. The point of this is to fall in love with myself (and for what it’s worth, high self-esteem women want to be with men who love themselves).
As I’m sitting there a deep sense of loss and aloneness begins to creep in.
“Yep, there it is,” I think to myself with a sigh, “I’m glad I didn’t give her my card.” Burning through this feeling of loss is EXACTLY why I’m doing the NWD.
As I sit there getting comfortable with this feeling I realize that to my right sits another stunning woman and to my left is a beautiful couple that seems deeply in love. The usual voice in my head complains in response, “Oh, man. I want that.” I decide to throw that onto the fire as well.
After I order I pull out my kindle and start reading.
A few minutes pass and there is a tap at my shoulder. It’s her. “By the way, I just wanted you to know I really like your jacket.” Me, “Ah, thank you!” I choose to let her leave.
I never see her again.
The reason I’m sharing this story with you is because I’m 100% sure this interaction wouldn’t have happened if I’d been feeling needy. Women can feel when a man is free of neediness and it is incredibly attractive and desirable.
I was clear that she was giving me a straight up invitation to ask her out. I can’t even remember the last time a woman made it so obvious that she was interested. And… I would have looooooved to… but I chose to let it go.
There’s something about learning to be ok with “letting go” that is a direct path to moving through neediness. I was actually feeling lonely and I had a deep craving for comfort and connection and yet in this particular moment it’s exactly what had me choose to say NO.
This is known as the “NO that is a YES.” I’m saying NO to instant gratification of comfort/attention/connection because I’m a YES to something far more important to my life. I’m saying “Yes” to my wholeness as a man. I know that the discomfort and grief I burn through and come to peace with in this process is no match for who I’ll be on the other side.
It can feel like there is everything to lose and yet is it really all that hard to grasp that men who make choices from “nothing to lose” are attractive to women? That’s why you hear sayings like “There’s nothing as dangerous (or attractive) as a man with nothing to lose.”
Knowing this, I can choose to let this beautiful being go because I know that burning through these feelings of loneliness and sadness is my path to freedom.
Yes, I want her attention. Yes, I feel lonely and Yes it burns like a motherf*cker but I remind myself that the more I welcome/accept/embrace these feelings the more they burn away… And there is only so much to burn. Only so much.
Afterwards I felt good. The same way I feel when I work out and I’m sore and I know that I just did something good for myself.
The truth is this:
You, me and everyone we know
Are born into an “arranged marriage” with ourselves.
It is the one long-term relationship
We are guaranteed to be in our entire life.
So, to create the most beautiful, joyful and fulfilling relationships
You must first accept the fact
That the quality of relationship you already have with yourself
Is the mirror reflection to the relationships you attract into your life.
The question is, what quality of relationship do you want?
During my “No Woman Diet” I would start to take myself out on walks to just explore and enjoy the city, meet new people and take myself out on little adventures.
Around this time I discovered a little Mexican bakery down in the San Francisco Mission District.
Every time I passed by, the sweetest, most delicious, wholesome smells would be wafting out onto the sidewalk through the wide open door. I would take a long, joyous inhale through my nose and my entire body would relax as I filled my lungs with fresh, warm scents.
And then around week 5 something shifted.
I would see a stunning woman or a beautiful, loving couple I would feel a deep, embodied appreciation for the incredible radiance before me. I would breathe it in as if it was the sweetest, most delicious scent in the world. It was a joy to be in the presence such beauty. Instead of hearing the old voice of scarcity complaining that it didn’t have what it wanted, I began hearing a new voice in my head that said,
“It’s just a matter of time.”
I could feel that I had burnt through something and that I was ready for the next level of relating with women. And as if right on cue, one of the most significant relationships of my life showed up just a few weeks later.
Since that time the NWD process has been refined and developed so that other men can now be guided through the same experience like a roadmap of transformation.
It’s simple physics, really. When we’re filled with “need” nothing can come into our lives because we’re already full up. When we free ourselves of “neediness” it creates a vacuum inside of ourselves that allows what we REALLY want to be attracted into the space.
As Neediness Decreases Attraction Increases
You and I deserve to have beautiful abundant, fulfilling, joyous lives and sometimes the very medicine that heals us is only found in first letting go of what we “think” we need.
I took one for Team “ME” that night back at NOPA and many times since. I was a NO to connection because I was being a YES to me, and while it was hard I realized that I was actually ok.
In fact… far more than just ok.